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Jul. 10th, 2008

black white

Let's get something straight, right here and now.

Right now, I could not be farther away from "vulnerable in relationships".

For the first time in my life, I am standing my ground in my relationships. I'm sticking up for myself, as it were. I'm actively stopping my problem with trying to "fix" everyone else but me. In easy words, I'm being pretty fucking selfish and it feels fucking great.

I yelled at Juan the other day. That's right, I yelled at him. I called him out on his self-pitying and self-absorbed bullshit and told him that he had to work on himself with this time that he had, because that's what I was doing and if he's going to spend it thinking that he's the only person in this relationship who feels anything he needs a whack with the Reality Bat. I got kinda bitchy and brutally honest and he might be mad, but guess what? He needed to hear it.

And I'm not sorry that I yelled. I've been tactful and sweet and understanding, but if I can't get through that way, then brutal honesty it is. It felt really, really good.

Now, I'm friends with one of my brother's friends, Austin. He's a really cool guy and we have fun hanging out and dorking around. There is nothing else between us other than friendship. He was even the one who said to me, "I hope you aren't upset, but I'm not attracted to you that way." I said I knew and I don't care, because surprise surprise! I don't like him in a romantic way. I like him in a friendly, let's-hang-out way.

Unfortunately, one of my former friends practically charmed the pants off of him. He really liked her, she had a serious boyfriend, she liked him but used him to boost her own ego, and then after she went to college she stopped talking to him. This all went down when she and I were seniors and he was a freshman. He's a senior now and a big boy and over her (hi, it was two years ago). So logical conclusion = I am totally pulling a "her", right?

*pulls out her hair*

My dad is giving me mad ojo whenever I hang out with Austin because omigod, guiz, he is clearly a lemming and thinks with the wrong head and is totally sekritly in love with me!!1! And I am just a vulnerable sweet girl and I'll get sucked into it and he'll compare me to "her" and I am just so much better than that!!

*see above*

NOTHING IS HAPPENING BETWEEN US. WE ARE JUST FRIENDS AND I'M GETTING SO PISSED OFF AT MY FAMILY FOR MAKING ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT IT THAT I'M TYPING IN ALL FUCKING CAPS.

I don't know how many times I can repeat that before it sinks in. Not enough, clearly.

First of all: the last time I was even remotely vulnerable vis-a-vis entanglements with the opposite gender was my senior year of high school when I was Greg's favorite yo-yo. After that, I learned to be pretty honest and forthcoming about my feelings because I saw where ambivalence got you. And I was more or less in control with all those rebound boys, so.

Second: if Austin is sekritly in lurve with me, he knows the score with me, Juan, and what my plans are for my future.

Third: what the hell am I supposed to do? Put him in a plastic bubble so he doesn't suffer the pangs of unrequited love? Nobody has died from an unfulfilled crush, and if they have then they have bigger problems than "Rob didn't love me back". He has clearly lived through it before; even if it is the case now (which I highly doubt), he can live through it now.

Fourth: I wasn't aware that at twenty years of age, I had to get my father's approval of my friends. Just because I'm staying in the house for the time being (which is not very much longer, fyi) does NOT mean that I am still a child who needs to ask Daddy for permish to go on a playdate with the boy across the street. I'm a big girl, when it comes to personal relationships I've been taking care of myself pretty well lately. I walked away from "her", didn't I? I made the (very hard but very adult) decision to be honest with my boyfriend about the time I need for myself, didn't I? I have to learn to take care of myself and I've been doing a bang-up job on my own lately. Respect my judgement, kthnx.

Hi, guess what? I'm twenty now. I'm on the right amount of meds to function normally (finally). I'm following through with my promises and my plans. I think I'm capable of running my life without parental interference. (Parental support would be nice, but I would say the same thing even without the depression and jazz.)

Austin knows I don't want to date him. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want to date me, and if he does then I think he has enough respect for me to be honest about it. End of story. It's good enough for me - and since it's my life, it should be enough for my father.

Ugh. Rant off.

Jul. 2nd, 2008

the world is blue

Today:

was not fab.

Through stuff I will not discuss in a public post, Juan and I are taking a break. (If you aren't a friend, you don't get to hear about it.)

So through an interesting series of events, I found this song:

http://aimini.net/view/?fid=m7RSl83XWhCP0t50Veuv

and needless to say I feel a little better. Just a little.

More later when I'm not wallowing.

Jun. 29th, 2008

train kiss

Big Huge Music Post

Today I'm just in a very jamming-out-to-music mood, so I want to write about music and what's on my playlists today.

Today is:
-Lily Allen
-Katy Perry
-Bitter:Sweet
-Rihanna
-Katy Rose
-Rilo Kiley

...a lot of lady singers, and some of them are just batfuck crazy, which is why I love them. Lily Allen is great in her caustic honesty and bitchitude; she gets bonus points for the clear accent in her voice.

Katy Perry is hilarious (Ur So Gay and I Kissed A Girl), but wistful and point-on at the same time. Some of her songs are yearning for something that she can't have, and some of them just make me grin like two grinning things.

Bitter:Sweet is a trip-hop duo that is insanely good. I only have the one song Waking Up, but based on that I'm waiting to get the ten bucks to buy the rest of their album. It's mellow and dancey all at the same time.

I'm only listening to the one song by Rihanna right now - Breakin' Dishes - because it's just. that. good. It's got a great beat, it's catchy, and it's angry for no discernible reason. Regardless of my mom's tastes, I love both Rihanna's voice and her hair.

Katy Rose sang that song Overdrive for Mean Girls ages ago off her debut album Because I Can. I've got that and her second one, Candy Eyed, and both are worth it. She's been through a lot of the same issues that I've been through, so I can relate to so many of her songs. It's a little grittier on the second album, but like I said, both are really good.

Rilo Kiley... nuff said.

I've got a new CD by Cut/Copy and so far I dig it hard. More later when I have time to just listen to it.

Mmm, music. I'm pretty happy with my Ruckus playlist right now. Today's chill and laid-back, practically the epitome of Maroon 5's Sunday Morning music (not so much the lyrics, but definitely the music). I'll write later when I'm up to it or when stuff actually starts happening around here.

Jun. 27th, 2008

love

OMFG YES

So I don't know if everyone knows about this:



...but it's pretty freaking amazing and makes me :D :D :D every time I watch it (like right now, for instance).

And then xkcd came out with this.

AAAAH OMG OMG ILU DUDEMAN.

I'm pretty happy right now. Good to know today is fucking rad.
black white

omg yay!

I just saw the lizard that lives in my dog's igloo-house again today. I can't tell you why, but it makes me happy every time.

So in celebration, I'm going to post stuff that is great about today in general (besides seeing the lizard, which is pretty awesome in and of itself):

*I'm almost done with my Italia scarf which is soft and squishy and wonderful.
*Which means that I can start another project that I have in mind for my Misti Chunky Alpaca stash!
*I downloaded a bunch of music yesterday that really takes me back to high school and is still good quality.
*Free music on iTunes! ILU Carter's Chord.
*I finally get to hang out with Tiffy today after a whole week of trying to get together and failing - and it's free! Yay free!
*Had a long talk with Juan last night about our relationship and I feel so much better about everything.
*I'm pretty sure those cookies I left at Tiff's place are still there, which means chewy cookies yay!
*I get to spend today knitting as soon as I pry myself off the computer.

That's honestly all I can think of right now. I'll post later today (or tonight) but right now I can has showertiem plz.

Jun. 23rd, 2008

say anything

New music = love

Srsly, Starbucks' Pick of the Week for iTunes makes me very happy. I discovered two old cards I grabbed like a month ago and just yoinked them from iTunes. My favorite is Waking Up by Bitter:Sweet, an electronic/pop duo. Check it out if you're interested.

In other news, I am practically drooling at all the amazing yarn out on the internets that is on sale and that I can't buy. It's just so beautiful and lush and there are two whole weeks until my birthday (plus a couple extra days). I can't wait that long, I need it all now. As in, need deep in my soul need. Oh yarn, why are you so deliciously soft yet so agonizingly far from my reach? I need moneys. As it stands I'll just be knitting up my Italia stash. Acrylic or not, it is soft and thick, just the way I like my yarn.

I've decided what I'll be knitting Nicole (San Antonio Nicole, not line sister Nicole) for her birthday in December. I'm fairly sure she'll like it, but I've got some more time to find a pattern that screams her name at me. /random

My day is kinda boring. I'm looking forward to Wednesday - aside from psychiatrist appointment and refills (woo!), I'll get to spend the day downtown at the library or wheresoever I choose. Probably the library, which is like local library x1000. Hopefully tonight tbirdj and I can chill at her place and watch movies or eat pastries or some combination of the two (I am really craving pastries right now). ilu tiffalou!

Off to knit. Mmm, Italia.

Jun. 19th, 2008

love

So what does it say about me...

...that my first instinct on reading this was not, "Those stupid girls, what were they thinking?!" but, ";_; those poor girls, I want to make it all better"?

*is an innate nurturer, oh dear lord*

Honestly, I feel so horrible for them. What they did was stupid and not well-thought out at all, but it was because they wanted unconditional love from something. I just want to hold them and say, "It'll be okay, babies aren't a smart idea right now, but if you need me I'm here for you." And I don't know any of them from Eve.

I feel really sad right now.

Jun. 18th, 2008

grr

I feel woozy

like I'm going to throw up. I hate this.

Whenever she gets tossed back into my life again, I get this way: jittery, shaky, like I'm going to hurl. I really, really hate this. And I'm sick of feeling this way.

Jesus Christ, Brandy, just leave. Me. The fuck. Alone. All I did was wish him a happy birthday and you had to get all into it and make it ugly. I didn't want to keep up a correspondence with him, I was just wishing him a happy birthday, but noooooo. You had to jump into something that was, quite frankly, none of your fucking business and start stirring shit up again, like you always do.

I'm done. I'm really truly done. Your name is anathema to me. God, I don't even hate you, I just feel sorry for you. If this is how you get your kicks, fine. Leave me out of it. And don't worry about yourself or anything; you'll never cross my mind again from this point on. My life is getting better every day and I'm thankful for everything I have. I don't regret a single move I've made, and that includes walking away from you.

This is the last thing I'll write to you/about you/for you. You will not be spoken of by me or around me. You are out of my life permanently and if you have a problem with that, I want you to know that it's your own damn fault.

Goodbye and good riddance.

Jun. 15th, 2008

black white

Revival woo!

I keep abandoning this journal, especially when I need it ;_;

Today is sleepy. I feel so lethargic and half-dead, but pretty good nonetheless. I picked up knitting back in January (long long ago), and I've been knitting up a storm since. What can I say? It helps me calm down and gives me time to space out my thoughts. It is giving me hella callouses, though. Stupid pointy needles. *rubs finger*

What else? I'm back in San Antonio for the time being, I'm enjoying my summer, and I'm awfully tired so I think I'll rest and pick back up tomorrow or some such thing.

Mar. 6th, 2008

black white

An add-on to The Other Boleyn Girl

Phillippa Gregory talks about her book and the movie (but mostly the book):
http://www.bordersmedia.com/shows/live01/gregory.asp

Wonderful. She does make some very excellent points regarding people's objections to her portrayal of Mary (i.e., that she was the mistress of the King of France and that her children were not the king's) that can't be disputed easily. Worth your while to watch if you've read the book or are planning to.

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