For the first time in my life, I am standing my ground in my relationships. I'm sticking up for myself, as it were. I'm actively stopping my problem with trying to "fix" everyone else but me. In easy words, I'm being pretty fucking selfish and it feels fucking great.
I yelled at Juan the other day. That's right, I yelled at him. I called him out on his self-pitying and self-absorbed bullshit and told him that he had to work on himself with this time that he had, because that's what I was doing and if he's going to spend it thinking that he's the only person in this relationship who feels anything he needs a whack with the Reality Bat. I got kinda bitchy and brutally honest and he might be mad, but guess what? He needed to hear it.
And I'm not sorry that I yelled. I've been tactful and sweet and understanding, but if I can't get through that way, then brutal honesty it is. It felt really, really good.
Now, I'm friends with one of my brother's friends, Austin. He's a really cool guy and we have fun hanging out and dorking around. There is nothing else between us other than friendship. He was even the one who said to me, "I hope you aren't upset, but I'm not attracted to you that way." I said I knew and I don't care, because surprise surprise! I don't like him in a romantic way. I like him in a friendly, let's-hang-out way.
Unfortunately, one of my former friends practically charmed the pants off of him. He really liked her, she had a serious boyfriend, she liked him but used him to boost her own ego, and then after she went to college she stopped talking to him. This all went down when she and I were seniors and he was a freshman. He's a senior now and a big boy and over her (hi, it was two years ago). So logical conclusion = I am totally pulling a "her", right?
*pulls out her hair*
My dad is giving me mad ojo whenever I hang out with Austin because omigod, guiz, he is clearly a lemming and thinks with the wrong head and is totally sekritly in love with me!!1! And I am just a vulnerable sweet girl and I'll get sucked into it and he'll compare me to "her" and I am just so much better than that!!
NOTHING IS HAPPENING BETWEEN US. WE ARE JUST FRIENDS AND I'M GETTING SO PISSED OFF AT MY FAMILY FOR MAKING ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT IT THAT I'M TYPING IN ALL FUCKING CAPS.
I don't know how many times I can repeat that before it sinks in. Not enough, clearly.
First of all: the last time I was even remotely vulnerable vis-a-vis entanglements with the opposite gender was my senior year of high school when I was Greg's favorite yo-yo. After that, I learned to be pretty honest and forthcoming about my feelings because I saw where ambivalence got you. And I was more or less in control with all those rebound boys, so.
Second: if Austin is sekritly in lurve with me, he knows the score with me, Juan, and what my plans are for my future.
Third: what the hell am I supposed to do? Put him in a plastic bubble so he doesn't suffer the pangs of unrequited love? Nobody has died from an unfulfilled crush, and if they have then they have bigger problems than "Rob didn't love me back". He has clearly lived through it before; even if it is the case now (which I highly doubt), he can live through it now.
Fourth: I wasn't aware that at twenty years of age, I had to get my father's approval of my friends. Just because I'm staying in the house for the time being (which is not very much longer, fyi) does NOT mean that I am still a child who needs to ask Daddy for permish to go on a playdate with the boy across the street. I'm a big girl, when it comes to personal relationships I've been taking care of myself pretty well lately. I walked away from "her", didn't I? I made the (very hard but very adult) decision to be honest with my boyfriend about the time I need for myself, didn't I? I have to learn to take care of myself and I've been doing a bang-up job on my own lately. Respect my judgement, kthnx.
Hi, guess what? I'm twenty now. I'm on the right amount of meds to function normally (finally). I'm following through with my promises and my plans. I think I'm capable of running my life without parental interference. (Parental support would be nice, but I would say the same thing even without the depression and jazz.)
Austin knows I don't want to date him. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want to date me, and if he does then I think he has enough respect for me to be honest about it. End of story. It's good enough for me - and since it's my life, it should be enough for my father.
Ugh. Rant off.